Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I turned 21 on the 22nd of october. 36 people showed up for my get together at TGIF and I wasted my evening in the bottom of empty glasses that damaged a small portion of my brian. Later I crewed myself and 7 others to vegas where more sinful acts commenced. Yes. I had a great time up until i got sick and then it hit me on my 10 hr car ride... what the hell am i doing with my life? I am 21 years old, almost done with college and I have goals and oppertunities that present themselves to me daily. This and my family have been the number one things in my life, but i feel compleatly unfulfilled right now. I wish I knew why. I think its because of my religion and how i havent found anyone quiet like myself. I feel seperated from one of the most important men in my life and I am about to make some rash and horrible decisions if i do not wisen up soon. I am sitting alone (for the first time in weeks) and contemplating all my friendships and relationships. I think i have noticed where I have made poor choices and where people have gone sour. What I cannot understand is why i cannot easily fix my so obvious issues. Life is so damn complex. Not only does what u want and what your actions are affect you... but those around you too. I wish for once I didnt have to be responsible or i didnt have to care, but i guess that means i love those around me. I cant just walk away from them. Ya know between law and religion I have hundreds of rules to follow and yet somehow I am able to follow many of them and still find myself looking for guidance. Are humans that in need of structure? Am i compleatly programed to follow what I am told? Why now am i dying for someone to tell me what to do and what i cannot do. This behavior isnt from an adult. Its my birthday... i am 1 year old, 2 years old, three years old.... up until you hit 21. I am stuck somewhere between grade school and middle school right now and i guess I am begging for the 21 year old to kick in and take charge. I hope this fresh year brings me more guideance and more patience to see what is right and best for me and those I love.